Hetalia Essays
by DontKillMe123
Summary: One college. One homework task. Many students. Utter randomness. Warning: Contains mild language, loads of OOC-ness as well as a few pairings here and there! (Incomplete- will update as regularly as I can)
1. Poland

**Poland- The first in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a dash of LietPol.**

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) and the word 'propergood'.**

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><p>T'was the first day back after the Christmas holidays, and the students of World College were all tired and grouchy for obvious reasons. Everyone in this particular class- we'll call it Class B- was pissed off because the teacher, Mr Karpusi, had set them a homework task on the last day before the break, which was pretty darn stupid because <em>whothehellwantstodohomeworkduringaschoolbreakmotherfudgemuffin<em>. The students' task was to write an essay about what they did over Christmas, but it had to be written with Shakespeare-style sophisticated and formal language, complete with propergood grammar, punctuation and spelling because that's how we roll.

Everyone, apart from a particularly rebellious student who went by the name of Feliks Łukasiewicz, handed in their homework. Feliks got a half-an-hour after-school detention and had to finish his essay within that time, but he managed to write it all in one-tenth of a second because that's how awesome he is. So Feliks got to go home hella early while Mr Karpusi spent the rest of the evening reading and marking the class' essays.

The next day, Mr Karpusi walked into the classroom, late as always, carrying a rather scruffy-looking piece of paper. The class fell silent for the first time in forever.

"So basically I spent all evening reading through your essays and they were all shite apart from this one", he waved the paper before the class, "and since this is the only decent one, I've decided to read it out because I've got nothing better to do."

Then he began reading out Feliks' amazing essay like the amazingly awesome dude he is:

_'I consider my Christmas holidays to have been, like, rather inadequate. They commenced with me finalising and thoroughly checking the decorations and party food, before waiting until the twenty-fifth day of December, to open what few gifts I had received. This was all completed with the assistance of a particularly diminutive equine- my faithful animal companion who shall, like, remain anonymous. We continued unwrapping ridiculously boring gifts until I found an envelope amongst the cheap wrapping paper- it read simply, 'Open me'. Inside the envelope was a £20 note as well as a card that read 'If you could kindly come by my house around 7pm on Boxing Day, that would be wonderful. - Toris'._

_The following day, I managed to arrive at Toris' house in approximately one-tenth of a second as a result of my amazing physical capabilities. Immediately after knocking on the door, it, like, flew open and I was pulled inside and pressed against the wall. My eyes then met with those of an unusually evil-looking Toris Laurinaitis. I had reckoned he was, like, about to exert some kind of excessive force upon my unearthly beautiful face with his fist, but he instead said unto me, "I would like to commence anal fornication with you, my dear Feliks". And so we did. So very hard._

_I then spent the rest of the break overfilling my stomach with processed, fatty and overly-high-in-sugar-content food and drink. It was totally unhealthy and fattening, but I care not.'_

The class remained in a stunned silence for a considerable amount of time, before Feliks was awarded a grade A-triple star (A+++) for his outstanding work. No one seemed to notice that Toris had ran out of the classroom due to overwhelming embarrassment. Feliks was proclaimed 'Star of the week' and became propergood BFFs with everyone, whoo-hoo.


	2. Lithuania

**Lithuania- The second in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a dash of LietPol and a sprinkle of AusHun.**

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) and the word 'propergood'.**

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><p>Starting from the next lesson he had with Class B, Mr Karpusi decided to read out the rest of the essays, even though he already said they were all shite, because that's how awesome he is. It became a regular routine of his to read out any essays at the beginnings of lessons because why the hell not. Today, he chose to read out Toris Laurinaitis' essay.<p>

Of course, Toris was finding it hard to overcome the overwhelming embarrassment from the previous day, as the rest of the class wouldn't stop enquiring about a _certain something_ mentioned in Feliks' essay (y'all know exactly what I'm talking about) He was dreading his essay being read out because it too mentioned a couple of _certain somethings_.

Mr Karpusi entered the classroom with his usual "Sorry I'm late", followed by some dumb excuse. He announced he would be reading out Toris' essay, which was followed by countless strange looks, chuckles and whispers directed at poor little Mr Laurinaitis.

_'My Christmas Holidays began with being terrorised by a man called Mr Braginsky (better known as Ivan), which was rather frightening. He had come to spend the few days leading up to Christmas with me and the other two Baltic nations, without our prior permission, and did unspeakable things that caused all three of us to have nightmares for the majority of the holidays. Fortunately, he left to spend Christmas Day, and the rest of the holiday until January, with the Allies, which made us feel overjoyed. The other two Baltics, Ravis and Eduard, also happened to be attending a Christmas party that day, leaving me home alone. Most magnificent!_

_As I continuously devoured various fattening foods and overfilled my stomach with sugar-filled beverages to the point of exploding, I remembered my original plans to spend some quality time with a certain young man who went by the name of Feliks. I remembered sending him a letter with a message requesting him to come by my place of residence on the evening of Boxing Day. Fortunately, Ravis and Eduard were attending a Christmas pantomime that evening, so Feliks and I would be home alone. I could not wait until the following evening!_

_Feliks punctually came by my house, right on time as always, and we proceeded to do things I shall not elaborate on. We must have gotten terribly drunk somewhere during the process, as I found myself on the streets, awaking from a drunken slumber sometime during the late evening. Luckily, I saw that the area in which I lay was familiar and not too much of a distance from where I lived, although it took a considerable amount of time for my sight to re-adjust. I could barely make out the wide alleyway that led to my house and proceeded to stumble down towards it. Upon reaching the entrance, I heard someone screaming bloody murder; it sounded as if a massacre was taking place! I slowly and cautiously peeked around the corner, only to see two teachers from my college- Mr Edelstein and Ms. Héderváry- in the alleyway doing things I would once again prefer not to elaborate on. I immediately backed away, turned around, and began to walk the long way home._

_I then spent the rest of the holidays having strange dreams about the many horrifying and somewhat amusing events I had witnessed over the course of the two weeks.'_

The rest of the class stared at Toris in both shock and amusement. Toris, sweating and blushing heavily, excused himself out of the classroom for a considerable amount of time. The other classmates began discussing how they would confront both Mr Edelstein and Ms. Héderváry about the _certain something_ mentioned in Toris' essay- because around half of them had Mr Edelstein for a lesson before the mid-morning break, while a handful of them had Ms. Héderváry for a lesson later in the afternoon. Now that, folks, is gonna be interestin'!


	3. Austria

**Austria- The third in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a dash of AusHun** **and a sprinkle of PruAus. This is actually a diary entry and not an essay.**

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) and the words 'propergood' and '(un-)invisify.**

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><p>The same day, but later in the morning. T'was the second lesson of the day before the mid-morning break and the handful of students who agreed to confront Mr Edelstein about that <em>certain something<em>, did exactly that.

"So about-a that _thing_ on the evening of Boxing Day, sir", a student named Feliciano piped up, just as the Music teacher finished preparing today's work, "what was that all about?"

Mr Edelstein froze and the class fell silent. "I have no idea vhat you're talking about", he said with a blank expression. This was succeeded by numerous odd glances, "mm-hmm"s and "yeah right"s from his pupils.

Of course, everyone knew what he was talking about. The students at this school are so cool they can spread a single rumour from one class to the rest of the Earth's population, in the space of five minutes. Don't ask how. So then the lesson went on as normal. Well, almost normal. Throughout the remainder of the lesson, the students periodically gave Mr Edelstein strange looks and asked even stranger questions which made him wish the ground would just open up and swallow him whole. The bell rung, signalling the end of the lesson (duh) and the students were automatically dismissed for break time. That is, all except for one named Arthur Kirkland. When his peers began leaving the classroom, he remained at the back corner of the room and used his Unicorn Magic to make himself invisible. Mr Edelstein, thinking he had just left with the other students, closed the door before standing at his desk and fumbling for something in the drawer. He eventually pulled out a blue book of some sort and sighed a very relieved sigh of relief.

"Zhe diary is still intact, I see. Hopefully nobody vill find out…" he said before replacing the item, locking the drawer and leaving the room for a coffee break. As soon as the teacher left, Arthur _un-invisified_ himself (yes, that's a word now) and used his Unicorn Magic to reach through the drawer and retrieve the diary, before teleporting to the courtyard to read to his peers (and _you_!) what they had been waiting to hear.

_'Date: 27__th__ Dec 2015_

_Subject: boxing Day_

_So it is the day after Boxing Day, and I must say that yesterday evening was simply exquisite. At approximately five o'clock in the evening I began consuming unbelievably excessive quantities of alcoholic beverages before passing out onto the floor. I awoke from my drunken slumber a considerable amount of time later before realising I was late for my date with a fellow teacher, Miss Héderváry. It was not until I arrived at the tavern reasonably late that I remembered I possessed the unusual ability to teleport, and I could have been there in roughly 0.1 seconds. We both proceeded to fill our stomachs with beer, vodka, ale, wine, tequila and almost every other alcoholic beverage in existence before heavily-drunkenly stumbling out of the tavern, almost getting hit by an oncoming automobile in the process. Having no idea where we were going, we somehow found ourselves in the middle of a dimly lit alleyway and things just escalated from there. Unaware of our surroundings, we began to commence, shall I say, rather lewd acts that I shall not elaborate on for the sake of innocent eyes, ears and minds. I haven't an exact clue what happened after that, but I assume we both fell asleep and were taken away by someone because I awoke chained to a bed, with my lover standing in the corner of the room with a camera. The bedsheets were white with black text, and had the word 'Awesome' printed all over them. Suddenly the door opened and he-whose-name-shall-not-be-mentioned-but-you-already-know-it-anyway walked in, dressed in questionable attire, wielding a crop and with a small yellow bird on his shoulder._

_What an interesting evening! Enjoyable, but kind of painful, and my lover kindly recorded everything so we can re-watch and cherish this moment forever!'_

By the time Arthur had finished reading out the entry, a whole crowd of pupils had already formed and all were bursting into laughter. Amusement, shock and disbelief filled the air and a selection of the pupils were already discussing how they were going to confront Miss Héderváry.

Fasten your seatbelts, folks. This is gonna be a bumpy ride!


End file.
